If you're about to get naked with someone, you should’ve been discussed sexual boundaries, no matter how shy you are. You should be fully aware of your existing boundaries, your no-nos, and what you might be open to.
Sis, know you're dealing with men out here who do not respect boundaries unless you define them.
It's difficult to grasp consent because it's so misunderstood. But when sexual partners are informed, it's easy. As a result of patriarchal culture, the concept is oftentimes dismissed without a simple dialogue regarding the concept. Be careful. Don't leave things unsaid or they'll pull the condom off and tell you they're going to get you pregnant. I had a friend go through that situation. She took pregnancy tests for a month straight.
A sexual relationship where boundaries are repeatedly crossed can result in years of trauma from not being invited to express your needs. The point being fam, we are the only ones who can have our backs entirely and completely.
My take? Consent is a concept that will improve your sex life, whether it's with an existing partner or one you’re currently manifesting. Contrary to popular opinion—it’s not unsexy (like the ops have made it out to be.)
Consent allows you to:
- Reclaim bodily autonomy
- Recenter your personal desires and needs
- Talk to your partner about what isn’t and is ok
- Develop trust and clear communication
- Explore new ways to satisfy each other equitably
- Reintroduce, affirm, or establish respect in a relationship
- Establish your relationship as a safe place
It doesn’t matter how long y'all have been together, consent can be brought up. Just because an individual grants access to their partner does not mean they can’t take that access back.
You can also say no…
- If you’re uncomfortable
- If you don’t want to be physically active at that moment
- If you feel you can’t at that moment
- If you’ve been married or dating for the past seven years
- Even if they were your first or only
- Even if you feel pressure to please them, you can say no
You should be able to trust your partner to respect your bodily autonomy. If you can’t… r-e-d f-l-a-g!
Once you’ve discussed consent, sexual exploration feels safe and non-risky. You both know you will protect each other, treasure one another, and finish satisfied.
Giving Consent Scenario One
It’s steamy, wine has been drunk, and you lean across the table to tell your partner, “I want you to do x, y, z to me tonight. Whatever you wish.”
Now, in this scenario, you should know your boundaries: are you telling them you’re theoretically up for doing anything to you or actually want them to try absolutely anything.
Here’s an important bit, if ‘anything’ is on the table, a “stop-word” should be well established before any sexual activity. The ‘stop’ or ‘safe’ word grants you control. In lieu of no safe word, then the other way is to directly say “no” during sex and then redirect their attention.
You can say things like “no, I don’t want that at this moment, but I would enjoy this x,y,z.” Or say “no thank you,” (picture a scenario where they’re trying to go down on you and you aren’t in the mood) and move their head elsewhere. You could also use some variations “will you touch me here instead?” Redirect their attention after the ‘no’ by guiding their hand to the butt, breasts, or other erogenous zones.
Asking for Consent Scenario Two
If you want to try butt play, talk about it beforehand. Permission can also be asked in the moment. You can phrase consent questions like you're writing a dirty text.
While massaging their body ask them if it’s okay to play “around here” tracing with a light finger across the skin, etc. If your partner says yes… move slow. Don’t do too much, listen for their reaction, and always ask “is this nice? ” Then you can ask while tracing tantalizing circles on their skin, “should I continue?”
You and yours recognizing each other's needs as turn-ons. Communicating boundaries is hot because the playtime is going to be enthusiastic on both ends.
Enthusiastic sex is the best kind there is.
Who doesn’t love it when a yes is ripped from the core of their being and fills the stifling bedroom air!
The big takeaway: Treat asking/giving consent like a tease, a dance of seduction, and an entryway to a sacred space of energetic sexual healing. If you think of consent this way, it's definitely enticing. Honestly, this is a genuine way to improve your sex life!
If you found any part of reading this article on consent spicy: then I urge you to talk about it this very evening and immediately have better sex.